But not tonight

Nr. 64 I’ve known for quite some time now how little I care about myself. It’s one of the reasons why I had no problem giving everything of myself to others, as I feel I have nothing worth saving for myself (which has opened my eyes to one big reason why my relationships hasn’t work out, but that’s another story). It sounds awfully self pitying, except that I don’t really feel sorry for myself nor do expect others to either. I can change the way I think about or view myself, but that would be trying to mask or bypass what’s objectively true. Normally I would be ok with this ridiculous dejection, but when it is combined with a ‘low’ it can turn quite unappetizing and worth hiding. I have a small core base of people willing to help me. Who are waiting for my call. Even though at this point it’s like waiting for Godot. Even my psychiatrist asked me the other day why I didn’t call when I was at my worst last week. I couldn’t really give her a good answer. Pride? Stubbornness? Or pe...

Nr. 63 I’m jumping back on the blog. Even though pressuring myself to write something each day made me produce and feel accomplishment, it also gave me a fear of what would happen if I stopped. I did stop, and the shame washed over me immediately. I could feel it in my core how disappointed was. This circles a little to what I have been trying to face recently; coping with personal shame and impossible standards enforced by depression. Normally I would set a goal so high I knew I wouldn’t reach it but try hard enough so I could go further than if I sat a lower goal, thus always progressing (yet never with satisfaction). That might sound quite dreary and self defeating, but it kind of worked when I was younger. However, combine that with depression which just emboldens your distorted self worth and you have a disaster waiting to happen. Coming to the realization of this doesn’t automatically turn things around, but it can give a boost to your survival instinct. So, getting back now ...