Nr. 19

I want to talk about kindness. Not a naive hold hands and Kumbaya type kindness, nor semantically challengeable altruism, but just  a common sense of decency one human being to another.

I have tried for as long as I can remember now to be kind. Not because I necessarily want that same treatment back as a self serving golden rule, but because to me it is logical. It should be logical, and rational. Because the alternative is to be slightly more cynical or apathetic which is a slippery slope. I believe that maintaining a kind en generous approach is a vital cog in the machinery of happiness. You risk letting people walk all over you. You risk bending over backwards for friends and strangers alike where your effort most likely never will be seen or appreciated. At least not to the full extent. 

I tend do overdo kindness as an unfortunate byproduct of my perfectionism. I literally go out of my way to make people happy, so far as that my depression guided me into thinking that the most kind thing I could do was to leave everyone be free of me. I had things I wanted to talk about but felt guilty after every conversation for talking too much. After each social interaction I have I rate my ‘performance’ afterwards. I usually end up figuratively beating myself up for being either too babbling or for saying that one word a bit off so it maybe offended the person just a tiny hint. I try my best to ignore this. I feel I need to distract myself otherwise I would spiral downward in a self hating loop. I do all of this because I irrationally think it will improve me and reach a ‘perfect’ interaction I feel I should be able to accomplish, and also what I feel every person I encounter deserve. Because making everyone happy and think more positive is what I want. 

On the other hand I see how self destructive this is and that I’ve gone to an extreme version of kindness which is twisted and distorted. That now fuels my self defeating perfectionism and rattles my depression. 

I was given an article the other day - which happens to be the most kindest person I have ever met - about perfectionism. It quoted a man who’s reply when first given the assertion of being a perfectionist was simply: “But I’m not good enough to be a perfectionist.” 

I’ve been saying that for so long and it was both beautiful and heartbreaking. It’s so easy to see goodness in other people, but think yourself void of these positive traits. I am kind but I’m never kind enough, according to my inner voice. If someone is hurting feel such a strong urge to take the burden and carry it myself, because I know I should be able to take it. After all, I have experienced so much grief in my life...what’s another tiny pebble of generosity? After some time that load gets pretty heavy and given enough time you will start to care less and less about yourself. 

The answers pounding at my mental door all screams ‘you need to be kind to yourself’ or ‘learn to say no’. But I don’t think the world is so free of nuisances that our one answer lies in a rehash of clichéd lines from feel-good movies (although they are pretty entertaining and my not-at-all-guilty-pleasure). I believe I am quite capable of still offering the same amount of kindness that I display today, and instead of retracting a bit so I can reserve that to myself, I add just more amount of kindness so I can be included. There is no finite amount of kindness in my opinion. It’s about learning how to expand, and hopefully include yourself in the mix too.