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Nr. 60

Next month I’m attending a wedding. I’ve been so busy thinking about practical things (like finding a suit to wear and what to bring as it is for a weekend getaway) that I didn’t realize until now that I actually need to socialize. Meaning talk about my current situation. I’m officially on sick leave due to depression which isn’t really the most festive conversation starter at a wedding (or any event really). As much as I really want to celebrate my friends getting married, I simultaneously feel stressed as to have I’m gonna phrase this. I know there are people out there with far greater difficulties than me, even within my friend circle probably, which makes me even more frustrated about my worry. I’m positive I will get through it of course. I even know despite my definite self torment of reviewing my ‘performance’ I will get by. 

But I still feel slightly anxious about it. I used to be ok attending events with strangers when I could smalltalk about my work and then swiftly change the subject to something else. I’m in a strange new position now. I can’t lie about it, nor do I want too. I just know it will be awkward for the people asking. I don’t mind telling people I’m depressed, but I fear it will make an uncomfortable mood at the table...hopefully I will be seated next to my two friends, but I’m not sure if they are spending the entire weekend there or just the one night. 


Nevertheless...I’ll be ok. This rant is probably due to waking up in the middle of the night and not being able fall asleep again. 

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