Nr. 23

I’ve noticed an increase in my perfectionism. It’s subtle and not entirely destructive. Or perhaps it is but more indirectly if that’s the case. I have started to multitask quite ferociously. I noticed the other day that whenever I do something, like say cooking, I also use my iPad to read or watch something. I bring it with me and do the cooking automatically. I also do this whilst watching a TV-show...I have my iPhone and I read news articles at the same time. I am able to concentrate on both things but I might be more detached emotionally if I’m watching something. And I guess herein lies the crux of it.

It feels l might be either avoiding or protecting my emotions at the moment. Distracting myself. And I know that just watching some tv-show or movie won’t do it alone, I need to fully immerse myself, all the time. 

I have also theorized that perfectionism might be one of the reasons I stay up so late and refuse to sleep; I want to avoid missing out and rather utilize all the time I have to its fullest. Ironically I rarely do anything productive. I used to draw at night when I was young. I remember my “routine” when I was about 10-12 years old was to go to bed and read until my parents went to sleep, and then wait 15 minutes. That’s all it took for them to fall asleep, I know because they snored...I then got dressed and started to draw. Animals and landscapes was a recurring theme. I also did some abstract drawings where I would let my hand run freely and then look for shapes and patterns and then amplify them. When I needed a break I went to my window and just took in that beautiful night smell; gazing at the dark blue sky; dreaming of space and other worlds. My sister sometimes caught me, and on the rarest occasions she would join me. Although being a night owl herself, unlike me she needed her rest. So when she stayed up late she also slept forever. And if she didn’t get it she could be quite grumpy in the morning! Those drawing moments are some of my fondest memories of her. She was so talented as well. Her recurring themes were beautiful people, fables and other fantasy inspired subjects. She was definitely a dreamer. 

I think my need to multitask has many different motivations. So perhaps not purely perfectionism, which is why it isn’t so destructive, I guess. So for now I will let it run its course but keeping an eye on it just in case.