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Nr. 45

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow. I wrote about this some time ago and said I was gonna deal with this the day before. Well, that day is here and to be honest I’m a bit worried. I knew this would happen, hence putting off dealing with it until the last day. Because although I feel confident in my own understanding of the condition and my ability to talk honestly about it, there’s also a part of me (probably my depression) that says this will be another failure because of either my idiotic ego and/or constantly reviewing myself. 

My biggest fear is that it won’t help me, but I’ll keep going anyway because I know it’ll make everyone around me feel safer and better. And I want that of course. I live for seeing other people contented. 

It’s not all gloom and doom. I’ve said it so many times ‘I don’t like to hear myself whine’ but I keep doing it, so that must mean I’m saying it to defend myself rather than for the benefit of others. Because I know lately things have started to improve. I peg that to triple dose medicine, relentless self evaluation (which in this case actually helped) and my workout plan. I’m not sure if keeping my lows from everyone, including myself, is a good idea, but at least now I can explain them to the psychiatrist. However, at the moment that feels like a mountain impossible to climb. I get drained just be thinking of all the explanations I again have to do. 

I need to stop this whining, but I also promised myself to never edit these posts, so I can’t go back and delete this. 

My point is that I’m...well, scared. I know it’s natural and I will probably be fine, but I still feel very small and hopeless at the moment. I wish I didn’t have to do this...


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