Nr. 61

During yesterday’s afternoon I had to lie down to rest. I had only gotten 2 hours of sleep the night before so it was definitely needed. I woke up abruptly well into the evening from a nightmare. Or it wasn’t so much of a nightmare as much as a psychological warp that changed how I view myself. I’m still trying to come to terms with it. 

The dream had its normal amount of absurdities; I was part of a group hiding from a murderer who was hunting us. The team consisted of me, some friends of mine, Casey Neistat, Mila Kunis, and a robotic version of Hachiko. We were all hiding in this large locked down house. The murderer was in here with us. I had a gun which fired small amounts of glue, but if I did hit someone the glue would explode. 

I was eventually spotted by the murderer and I fired off a serious of point blank shots to his face and neck. They exploded one by one. Nothing happened to him. We then warped into an abstract world where we would fight strategically using our minds to bend colored blocks against each other. What it basically did was to conceptualize how our minds worked and I was in the verge of winning when I apparently revealed not only my strategy but also who I really am. I felt a dark epiphany sweep over me as all my cynicism and coldness was laid open in front of all my friends. The very people I thought I was defending could now see how my mind works and it wasn’t pretty. The murderer made sure they could all see how similar I to this sociopathic murderer. I tried my best to scramble for alternative explanations, but couldn’t. I felt such shame. I knew I had some cynicism but this newfound revelation made all sense; I’m not a good person at all. It’s true, and I couldn’t deny it as it was all stripped down to my core. I put the gun to my head, fired, but nothing happened. The murderer vanished into me and it was clear he had been a manifestation of my core all along. I’d been hiding from this cynicism, I’d been fighting it, but in the end it did consume me. And it also affected those around me. 

As I woke up I felt all of it. Even though it sounds utterly absurd and ridiculous, I can’t shake the underlying message from my subconscious that I’m really not a good person. I spend so much time philosophizing on how to best behave and be kind. How empathy is logical and empowering...but behind it all is a scared and cowardly boy just running away from his true nature, filling his mind with escapist delusions of intellectual redemption. 

You may think that this was just a dream, and maybe it was, but I can’t help finding it to be true. As the murderer said in the dream: ‘The seed is planted. You’ll never get rid of it.’

Right now I feel shattered. I feel the years spent trying to improve and grow has been for nought. I don’t need pep talk or refutation, I’m not after consolatory speeches. 

I don’t really know who I am anymore. I hope I’ll be back tomorrow, but I’m really not sure. I actually read some of my posts for the first time just now and they are horribly negative. This one included, although I could make the case of it being a realization rather than despairing. The blog wasn’t meant to be negative (or positive really). I just wanted to write something daily, but I don’t think it has fulfilled anything useful. I need to end this post now.