Skip to main content

Nr. 3

I managed to go outside today. It’s been a crazy spring/summer so far in Norway with record temperatures and sunny days. I must admit my adventure was short-lived and motivated by errands I had to do before tomorrow, so not so much to brag about. 

I’m feeling strangely upbeat, yet I have no physical energy left. The last three weeks or so have been up and down. I try my best to just stay afloat and not fall into another downward spiral. It’s easy. I can feel it. However, I have promised myself to push past any obstacle or negativity. It often leaves me in a state where I feel I’m doing all of this for others. As a weird conceited favor to stay alive for those left who care about me. Be polite, be considerate. 

It’s not all dark and gloomy, I am able to laugh at myself. Although I’m not sure whether that is helping me or pulling me farther down below. 

One of the things I do find comforting is this blog. It’s only my third post but I already feel like it is helping me. I view it as my personal journal which happens to be open for anyone wishing to read. I think it is important to have something I feel I can master without pressure. So this blog will definitely not be consistent (nor will it be interesting). 

I’ll be back tomorrow. It’ll be a short post then as it will be a busy day. 


“Yes Cosette, forbid me now to die. 
I’ll obey,

I will try.”

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Nr. 54

Right now it’s half an hour until my psychiatry appointment. I’m on the bus. The radio is humming Scorpions with ‘Wind of Change’. How serendipitous or ironic. I also forgot my coke bottle at home. Great.   Going from the two hour conversation with my Dad about renovation and other practical things to explaining deep emotional and psychological turmoil will be interesting. Oddly enough I see that as a challenge which bodes well. I’m slightly more optimistic about this session than my first. But I’m still not yet settled. It feels frightening. Not to talk about things, but to fail.  Well, at least I’m here now. Lets do this then.  Edit: a stranger smiled at me today. It’s interesting how incredibly powerful such a small thing can be. Thank you. ❤️
Post a Comment
Read more

Nr. 60

Next month I’m attending a wedding. I’ve been so busy thinking about practical things (like finding a suit to wear and what to bring as it is for a weekend getaway) that I didn’t realize until now that I actually need to socialize. Meaning talk about my current situation. I’m officially on sick leave due to depression which isn’t really the most festive conversation starter at a wedding (or any event really). As much as I really want to celebrate my friends getting married, I simultaneously feel stressed as to have I’m gonna phrase this. I know there are people out there with far greater difficulties than me, even within my friend circle probably, which makes me even more frustrated about my worry. I’m positive I will get through it of course. I even know despite my definite self torment of reviewing my ‘performance’ I will get by.  But I still feel slightly anxious about it. I used to be ok attending events with strangers when I could smalltalk about my work and then swiftly...
Post a Comment
Read more

Nr. 23

I’ve noticed an increase in my perfectionism. It’s subtle and not entirely destructive. Or perhaps it is but more indirectly if that’s the case. I have started to multitask quite ferociously. I noticed the other day that whenever I do something, like say cooking, I also use my iPad to read or watch something. I bring it with me and do the cooking automatically. I also do this whilst watching a TV-show...I have my iPhone and I read news articles at the same time. I am able to concentrate on both things but I might be more detached emotionally if I’m watching something. And I guess herein lies the crux of it. It feels l might be either avoiding or protecting my emotions at the moment. Distracting myself. And I know that just watching some tv-show or movie won’t do it alone, I need to fully immerse myself, all the time.  I have also theorized that perfectionism might be one of the reasons I stay up so late and refuse to sleep; I want to avoid missing out and rather utilize a...
Post a Comment
Read more