Nr. 31

Yesterday my Dad had an accident. He was painting the far end of the cabin. In short he fell and a metal ladder knocked him out right above the eye. He managed to drive himself to the nearest hospital and got stitched up. He sent me a photo of himself to me, however, the description he sent with it didn’t get sent until much later. So all I could see was this photo of him in the hospital. Normally that would freak out anyone, but given the circumstances and my own fear of losing people this was quite devastating. I had no idea what had happened or why he was there. All I could see was a photo of him looking rather beat up and not particularly joyful. I figured he must be well enough to take this photo and send it...or did someone else send it? When I finally got the message I was of course relieved. But the rest of the evening was unfortunately filled with new thoughts and self criticism for not being able to help. And moreover I _will_ not be able to help in the future either as I don’t drive. That thought has haunted me for a long time actually. I have mapped out every scenario in my head as to what I need to do in case I need to rush to the hospital. In the past it was also the factor of living in another country. 

Being the polar opposite of my Dad we don’t really have that much in common nor are we able to have proper conversations that bridge the gap. We are quite far apart. But we still have that family bond. I remember my mother told me right before she died that she had asked him to take good care of me, and he said that of course he would, I was always his son and he my father. I think that is the crux of our relationship. It’s down to its core, but that’s enough to keep our loyalty. We have lost a daughter and a sister, a wife and a mother.

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I know that if I live long enough I will be to only remainder of our family of four. And that is the fate of many. However as I don’t have any children or any plans to become a father I will end up alone eventually. I have made my peace with that. It would go against my principles to have children just to have company. However there is a melancholy about this life I’m bound to and it is hard to shake off. So what I have done in the past is give everything I have of both love and time to a relationship instead. That’s my main priority, not career or self gain, but my partner’s happiness above all. I think that is my purpose, but for many I think that can be quite daunting and it makes me imbalanced as a partner too, because I think it makes me try too hard. My last relationship started out lovely and equal, we never fought and revered kindness over pettiness. However our need to protect the other person made strenuous mental pressure, it lead to misunderstandings and misconceptions. Towards the end I tried so hard to balance my depression so it wouldn’t cause her grief, but she saw how much that damaged me and it turned in to a negative circle of helplessness. Both wanting to protect, but the methods did the opposite.

I hope I may rid myself of this imbalance in the future and be able to give of myself in a way that will bring love and happiness to my partner, not pressure or pity. 

So today is a day of reflection and self examination (like every other day...).