Nr. 22

So I did manage to do some gardening work yesterday. Score! Not that I felt victorious at the time. I’m in terrible shape which prompted several breaks. 

Later in the evening I started to look through my adoption papers. I promised yesterday that I would write a little bit so I needed to get myself into that mental zone. I don’t know if it helped! 

My adoptive parents were always open about me and my sister being adopted. I remember my Mom used to tell me so much about Korea and Asian culture. Much of which I found strange, but when I reflect back on that time I can see just how much love and care she had both as a person and as a mother. Trying her best to make sure I grew up with as much love as possible. It came natural to her. And for that and many other reasons I never felt an urge to contact my biological mother. I know I would’ve been supported, they told me so constantly, but my Norwegian family felt as real as it could. I felt at home and that I belonged.

In later years people have asked me if I want to seek out my birth mother. I say only mother as my biological father was never identified. He raped my mother when she was 19 and was never arrested. Having a child by herself was complicated at that time in Korea so she decided to give me up for adoption. I felt awful for her when I my mother told me. I was young, but old enough to understand. What troubled me the most was the fear that I might become this terrible person too. I struggled with this for quite some time and still do to a some degree. Maybe it’s one of the reasons I can’t fully like myself. This horrible person is a part of me. 

So when I’m asked why I don’t want to go looking for her it’s usually a threefold answer I give. The first is that I felt truly loved by my Norwegian parents. So much that I never felt the need to. However, I don’t mean that people who decide to search haven’t been loved. I’m certain they have been very much loved. The second reason is that I don’t really know if she has a new family or not and if she does if they even know about me. And if not it may be distressing for her to tell about me and possibly open old wounds with the attack. Third, and this is an important one for me, I might look exactly like her attacker, my father. I could never want to inflict that upon another person, especially her. There is a hidden forth one and that is she might have passed away. And I don’t know if I would handle that so well given my history. 

She has been on my mind lately. I’m trying to process and bounce ideas and theories with myself. I think in a strange way I feel connected to her, but I also feel that’s enough for me. 

I think I will revisit my adoption in another future post. Maybe I will have some more thoughts on it. Right now I feel my brain is juggling seven things at once and I don’t even know how to juggle! 

My goals for today is to tidy the loft over the shed. It’s quite messy so I will have to spend some time. And I guess it will be extremely warm there right now. Damn, I wish I had sat another goal...😅