Skip to main content

Nr. 32

It’s August already. 

Today I have been doing research. I skimmed through a vast selection on books written by people who lost their sibling in suicide. This is partly to see what is already out there, but also to check if it would even be possible for someone without credentials in either literature or psychology to do a book on this subject. And apparently it is. So that’s a good start. 

To borrow some lines from Jon Stewart: {I’m slowly starting to form an outline of a framework...of an outline...for a potential draft...of a pre-final tentative idea of what I want to say...pending approval.} Because even though this book idea is mainly for my own therapeutic need, I don’t want to be naive about it either. I want it to be as well written as possible. The balance act I need to uphold is between having that joy of writing for the sake of just letting my mind work, and keeping my perfectionism in check so I don’t end up deleting everything I write. I basically need to allow my writing to suck in order for it to be done. Preferably I could spike some perfectionism in here and there, but that’s not really how it works. But I will at least make an effort to form more coherent content than I do in this blog! 😅 (and the book probably won’t contain emojis...or maybe?? Probably not...).

I know this will take such a long time and that both pains and disappointments me. But I need to allow myself that patience. I know I would give that to anyone else so I should include myself as well. “Be your own friend.» 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Nr. 60

Next month I’m attending a wedding. I’ve been so busy thinking about practical things (like finding a suit to wear and what to bring as it is for a weekend getaway) that I didn’t realize until now that I actually need to socialize. Meaning talk about my current situation. I’m officially on sick leave due to depression which isn’t really the most festive conversation starter at a wedding (or any event really). As much as I really want to celebrate my friends getting married, I simultaneously feel stressed as to have I’m gonna phrase this. I know there are people out there with far greater difficulties than me, even within my friend circle probably, which makes me even more frustrated about my worry. I’m positive I will get through it of course. I even know despite my definite self torment of reviewing my ‘performance’ I will get by.  But I still feel slightly anxious about it. I used to be ok attending events with strangers when I could smalltalk about my work and then swiftly...
Post a Comment
Read more

Nr. 62

I don’t think I’ll be able to keep going each day with this blog. Which is actually very sad. When I started I felt so positive about it, but now I feel it has been consumed by negativity and depression. I don’t feel any better. I wanted this blog to be a safe haven for me, but I feel all I touch turn to ash. Depression is truly poisonous and it has altered my mind. I can’t think straight or find positivity. I’m truly struggling each day just to get out of bed. Some days I’ve not moved at all.  But on I go. The need to not hurt others is strong within me, as it is with most people suffering from depression; we know the pain a suicide will inflict. I definitely know all about it. Maybe in a morbidly poetic way my experience with death in my family is what might save me from committing suicide.  This might be the last entry for a while. I’ll return though. Hopefully more cheerful and with a deeper focus on philosophy and ideas, not just my depression. 
Post a Comment
Read more