Nr. 58

Until recently I have, to the best of my abilities, gone by the creed ‘giving my all for the benefit of others”. I haven’t been entirely successful, but I hope that by pushing this agenda I have been able to give more than I otherwise would if not for this awareness. Despite my effort I can sometimes fall into the unfortunate pit of feeling unappreciated. I convince myself that these are feelings I should easily overcome. But I realize by having these feelings I actually do, even if it’s a small part, hope for acknowledgment. Which renders my gestures quite the opposite of altruistic. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and if my empathy has been misguided, the question I need to ask myself is whether or not I need to reconsider my moral philosophy. I can continue going on like I have but if I look back I can’t really say it has benefited my own life other than the knowledge of having done good to people. Which is and should be enough according to my intellectual beliefs. But I’m beaten and battered, I’ve distanced myself so much that I feel people don’t even dare contact me anymore. 

Now, I could despair and spiral down into an abyss of self pity, or I can change how I think and behave. It’s not easy to change, but the challenge is appealing to me. To renew and grow is something I feel almost confident in accomplishing. The question is whether it’s a good path or not. 

Today was the first time I felt the need to finally start writing more than these inane amateurish blogposts. If I do start, I think I will delve into that universe with not much contact of the outside world. Right now that seem both enticing and sad. But, who knows, maybe I’ll be able to finally accomplish something by taking one step at a time. 

This post went in every direction, much like how my mind works (or doesn’t?!).