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Nr. 63

Nr. 63
I’m jumping back on the blog. Even though pressuring myself to write something each day made me produce and feel accomplishment, it also gave me a fear of what would happen if I stopped. I did stop, and the shame washed over me immediately. I could feel it in my core how disappointed was. This circles a little to what I have been trying to face recently; coping with personal shame and impossible standards enforced by depression. Normally I would set a goal so high I knew I wouldn’t reach it but try hard enough so I could go further than if I sat a lower goal, thus always progressing (yet never with satisfaction). That might sound quite dreary and self defeating, but it kind of worked when I was younger. However, combine that with depression which just emboldens your distorted self worth and you have a disaster waiting to happen. Coming to the realization of this doesn’t automatically turn things around, but it can give a boost to your survival instinct. So, getting back now is my way of saying I’m not ok yet, but I’m willing to try. And that is quite powerful. 

I want to start that comeback with a few thoughts I have on a movie I just finished called ‘Never let me go’, directed by Mark Romanek and written by Alex Garland. The film is based on the novel of the same title by esteemed writer Kazuo Ishiguro and starring Carey Mulligan, Keira Knightly and Andrew Russell Garfield. The story depicts a dystopian alternate history. I don’t want to give away anything about the specifics of it if you haven’t seen it and are interested (it’s on Netflix). What I would say though is that I can’t believe it’s been out for 8 years and I haven’t seen it until now. I very much enjoy Alex Garland’s work and was recently fascinated with Annihilation and Ex Machina amongst others. His take on the deeper psychological aspect of creative thinking resonates with me. ‘Never let me go’ is to me all about empathy. The theme of the film is incredibly melancholic, but within the fraught characters lies a greater aspect of humanity and our willingness to give. The acting is spot on and Carey Mulligans V.O. Is hypnotic. I can understand that the head of the company financing the film recommended her to the producers by sms whilst watching ‘An Education’ (which is the first film I saw Mulligan in, also great). She fits perfectly in my opinion. 


My main point is that I’m glad to be back. And I’m glad to have found this film. These days I’m having difficulties concentrating like I used to, so this is the first film I finished without any interruptions. I won’t be able to write each day I think, but I’m ok with that...

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Nr. 60

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I don’t think I’ll be able to keep going each day with this blog. Which is actually very sad. When I started I felt so positive about it, but now I feel it has been consumed by negativity and depression. I don’t feel any better. I wanted this blog to be a safe haven for me, but I feel all I touch turn to ash. Depression is truly poisonous and it has altered my mind. I can’t think straight or find positivity. I’m truly struggling each day just to get out of bed. Some days I’ve not moved at all.  But on I go. The need to not hurt others is strong within me, as it is with most people suffering from depression; we know the pain a suicide will inflict. I definitely know all about it. Maybe in a morbidly poetic way my experience with death in my family is what might save me from committing suicide.  This might be the last entry for a while. I’ll return though. Hopefully more cheerful and with a deeper focus on philosophy and ideas, not just my depression. 
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