But not tonight

Yesterday my Dad had an accident. He was painting the far end of the cabin. In short he fell and a metal ladder knocked him out right above the eye. He managed to drive himself to the nearest hospital and got stitched up. He sent me a photo of himself to me, however, the description he sent with it didn’t get sent until much later. So all I could see was this photo of him in the hospital. Normally that would freak out anyone, but given the circumstances and my own fear of losing people this was quite devastating. I had no idea what had happened or why he was there. All I could see was a photo of him looking rather beat up and not particularly joyful. I figured he must be well enough to take this photo and send it...or did someone else send it? When I finally got the message I was of course relieved. But the rest of the evening was unfortunately filled with new thoughts and self criticism for not being able to help. And moreover I _will_ not be able to help in the future either as I d...

I’m in a bad mood today. I sentence I hardly ever use. I can be in a melancholic or sad mood, happy or apathetic, but rarely in a bad mood. I know the reason for it shouldn’t upset my entire day, but it is.  I watched the latest episode of Jon Oliver’s show on HBO (via YouTube). He talked about a subject that was of interest to me, namely sexual harassment in the workplace. The segment itself was brilliant (although like most other shows or articles addressing this issue tend to overlook, intentionally or not, the evolutionary behavioral aspect innate in men and how we generally think and view women), but what made me all to familiarly disappointed was to read the comment section. I know it’s not an accurate description of the real world, except that it sort of is...so many men (apparently completely missing the point of the entire show) made arguments purely out of subjective self interest disguised as being neutral and innocent.  I could go on about this subject, a...

If you’re fortunate (and observant) enough you will encounter true empaths in your life. I consider myself to be fairly kind, but I’m in no way a good person. I don’t exude warmth and caring, I try to be the best version of myself, but that’s all brought forth by logic and principles rather than an innate exalted kindness. As a thinker, not a feeler, I can perhaps achieve a certain form of acquired kindness; philosophized from altruistic inspiration, but I would still be aware and never able to go be my instinct.  I think maybe I have encountered four individuals that I would hold in the highest regard of empathy. It’s quite beautiful and overwhelming to be in the presence of such entities with a highly underestimated strength and bravery. I admire that purity of benevolence.  Now, I’m not saying that they are infallible or worth more as human beings, but they do have qualities that I would want to see embraced and celebrated in a society, rather than what trends now...

I’ve been having an inner discussion with myself recently as to whether or not to openly talk about my depression with anyone, anymore. It’s not that it’s particularly hard for me to put words on it, nor do I feel its to spare other people from it (anymore). I guess I question whether it’s useful to do other than with a psychiatrist. And if it actually is beneficial to post a few instagram captions on it.  I used to believe I did it for my own healing. That if I managed to put it into words I could somehow map it out more easily. The thing is I can actually do this fine by myself. So maybe I’m becoming more closed off as time moves on. It certainly seems that even if I have found some pride in the past about being kind and thoughtful, I don’t think I’m necessarily good at it. Or at least not good enough.  Every fiber in me says I should stick to being open and give everything of myself, but my mind knows that even if it has lead to some incredible connections I have ...

I finished the book “All the Light We Cannot See” by Anthony Doerr around 3:30am last night. Which means I gulped it down in more or less one day. It was a beautiful depiction of intricate characters, yet so familiar I almost went: “Yes! Of course! Absolutely!” It brought tears and laughter, what more can you really ask for in a book? There are several things I would like to talk about when it comes to the book, from duality and symbolism to the psychological aspect of human behavior, the time period, the natural intuition, connections and emotions. I could go on forever, probably.  When I woke up today I actually felt quite sad. It’s quite common after ending a book, I think. My mind was still lingering in the imaginative world of Marie-Laure and the painful upbringing of Werner. I felt sorrow for all the real untold stories from that period. It was such a tragic yet unique time.  When I went to middle school I studied WW2 for about a year. It was a huge part of...

This whole day has been spent dedicated to the book “All the Light We Cannot See”. I haven’t finished it yet, but it seems I will either sometime during the next get or tomorrow. Most likely during the night.  I’d almost forgotten how incredibly peaceful it is to be fully immersed in literature. The book in itself is beautifully written and in many ways a perfect reintroduction to reading novels. I also feel that this was the perfect time in my life to read such a book. Maybe five years ago I wouldn’t have been emotionally mature or intellectually equipped for it. I’ve learned so much this past year and I think this book just made the transition from inactivity to productivity so much smoother.  I don’t know if I’ll post my thoughts on the book once I’m done. I fear it will be a long long post if that’s the case. I’ll see. I definitely have a lot to say about it.  Tomorrow is the lunar eclipse...note to self. 👍🏻📚✨

An unfortunate, yet necessary, sad state occurred last night at around midnight. I was watching a TV-show on Netflix called The Flash. It’s light entertainment which has been an easy digestive distraction from my lows the last weeks. However, no matter how light and popcorn-ish, the show has unexpectedly hit me right to the core of how much I miss my family. I cried so much, uncontrollably so, as the show touches on losing parents and siblings. Being a sci-fi show it contains timetravel and multiple universes, rendering the main character to heartbreakingly meet and even speak to his deceased mother.  I wondered what I would say to my mother and sister if I were able to see them again. I don’t believe in an afterlife nor am I religious in any way so I know that will not happen though. All the show did was trigger my longing, how excruciatingly much I miss them. This December will mark 20 years since my sister died from suicide, and earlier this year in March marked 12 years s...

It’s 2:14am. So technically I am posting on on the 24th. The reason that prompted this uncharacteristically impulsive need to post I cannot say publicly yet. What I can, and want -no, need- to say is that I have never had a greater epiphany than just now. A life altering view on my future just occurred and I have never felt more at peace in my entire life. Things won’t change over night, but this revelation will with no doubt help me in darker times.  Sometimes I get so caught up in my drive for analyzing everything that I sometimes forget how powerful emotions can be. I will have a field day going through how my mind came to this epiphany, but for now I’m perfectly happy to just bask in that joyful awareness of feeling it. ❤️

I’ve noticed an increase in my perfectionism. It’s subtle and not entirely destructive. Or perhaps it is but more indirectly if that’s the case. I have started to multitask quite ferociously. I noticed the other day that whenever I do something, like say cooking, I also use my iPad to read or watch something. I bring it with me and do the cooking automatically. I also do this whilst watching a TV-show...I have my iPhone and I read news articles at the same time. I am able to concentrate on both things but I might be more detached emotionally if I’m watching something. And I guess herein lies the crux of it. It feels l might be either avoiding or protecting my emotions at the moment. Distracting myself. And I know that just watching some tv-show or movie won’t do it alone, I need to fully immerse myself, all the time.  I have also theorized that perfectionism might be one of the reasons I stay up so late and refuse to sleep; I want to avoid missing out and rather utilize a...

So I did manage to do some gardening work yesterday. Score! Not that I felt victorious at the time. I’m in terrible shape which prompted several breaks.  Later in the evening I started to look through my adoption papers. I promised yesterday that I would write a little bit so I needed to get myself into that mental zone. I don’t know if it helped!  My adoptive parents were always open about me and my sister being adopted. I remember my Mom used to tell me so much about Korea and Asian culture. Much of which I found strange, but when I reflect back on that time I can see just how much love and care she had both as a person and as a mother. Trying her best to make sure I grew up with as much love as possible. It came natural to her. And for that and many other reasons I never felt an urge to contact my biological mother. I know I would’ve been supported, they told me so constantly, but my Norwegian family felt as real as it could. I felt at home and that I belonged. ...

I wanted to write down my thoughts today about me being adopted and how that has been growing up. Sort of to move away from constantly writing about lows and such. However, last night I did something I have never really done before and I felt I needed to talk (write) about it to sort it out.  At around 1am I did a familiar staring-aimlessly-out-the-window routine. I remember doing this when I was a young boy too. I would smell the damp air that only nights seem to provide and I looked at all the houses; finding peace knowing they were sleeping, feeling solitude and calm. I could see a lighted window far away. It used to house a girl I had a crush on when I was about about 10 or younger. It pulled my mind into the realm of reminiscing and nostalgia. How easy life had been before it came crashing down when my sister died. I thought about Hillevi for quite a while and felt proud that I had managed to store so many detailed memories about her. For so long her memory was getting d...

One of the many things that changed within me when my sister died was a drastic increase of empathy and emotional awareness. Her death forced me into a situation where I had to feel, think and overcome. Many times I have despised the way I was before she died. Immature, unaware, and selfish. However, I have lately tried to see if my perfectionism -which grew exponentially either because of my depression or my ferocious search for self awareness- has clouded my judgment of my younger self. I’m not after vindication, I am still objective enough to know all the negative things I did still counts and that I am ultimately responsible for my actions. But I have heard in recent years from childhood friends and classmates that they remembered me as kind and creative. So maybe I wasn’t the unintelligent and reckless monster my mind remembers. Maybe my mind has constructed a distorted version where I amplify the negative and suppress the positive. Just like perfectionism would. I’m not saying ...

I want to talk about kindness. Not a naive hold hands and Kumbaya type kindness, nor semantically challengeable altruism, but just  a common sense of decency one human being to another. I have tried for as long as I can remember now to be kind. Not because I necessarily want that same treatment back as a self serving golden rule, but because to me it is logical. It should be logical, and rational. Because the alternative is to be slightly more cynical or apathetic which is a slippery slope. I believe that maintaining a kind en generous approach is a vital cog in the machinery of happiness. You risk letting people walk all over you. You risk bending over backwards for friends and strangers alike where your effort most likely never will be seen or appreciated. At least not to the full extent.  I tend do overdo kindness as an unfortunate byproduct of my perfectionism. I literally go out of my way to make people happy, so far as that my depression guided me into thinking ...

Not so much to say today. I did a lot of practical things, which is positive and something I should shrug off. But although I didn’t find so much sleep last night I feel positive today. I am beginning to enjoy cooking again. I mean haven’t really lost the enjoyment, but I at least feel inspired to experiment again. One of my best friends is also really into cooking and so knowledgeable too. I have meant to make contact about this and see if we can maybe talk about ideas and stuff. It’s weird that we haven’t yet. We talk about things we do and what we like but never give each other tips or maybe join minds and make up a dish together. That would be fun. Yes, I think I’m gonna do that.  I’m slowly starting to mold the idea of a book again. I’ve mentioned before how perfectionism have destroyed every attempt I’ve made towards writing a book. This blog was never supposed to be a literary masterpiece, just an exercise to just force myself to do something each day without self ...

Summer and spring so far has been filled with sunny days and temperatures resembling those more suited for tropical places. I’m leaving the lake cabin today to go back home, and as much as I enjoy to amuse over life’s irony, I couldn’t help feeling a little stung by today’s heavy rain. Especially since I’m taking the bus home which means walking for 30min to the stop with no umbrella!  I didn’t sleep last night, but I am surprisingly upbeat and awake still. I might crash out early tonight though which may reset my inner clock. The reason was quite simply that I missed my mother and sister. It wasn’t depression or a low, “just” good old fashioned grief. But it was enough to make me slightly tip into the side of me that strongly wants to distance myself from people in fear of losing them. However, this is perhaps a subject I’ll take on another day.  Ok, feet...let’s go outside and embrace that rain with a smile. 

So, I missed 3 days of blogging. The “old” me (which paradoxically would mean ‘newer me’ as I was younger back then...and the ‘old me’ is the future me...which is also me now as it’s the future versi...oh screw it) would’ve felt a sharp sting for missing these three days in an otherwise brave attempt to blog every day. However, I will try to accept the fact that these three days were spent recuperating from a very difficult time. Darker days will still appear along the way, but I have a brighter outlook now. Maybe it’s the medication, maybe it’s the surroundings (at our lovely lake cabin), maybe it’s loving friends, or maybe it’s me who managed to bring myself to some brighter thoughts. Personally I think it’s the combination of all the above.  I managed to sleep for quite a bit last night. I didn’t fall asleep until maybe 3am, but I slept until noon more or less uninterrupted, and that gave me almost nine hours. Or a solid eight at least. I got up and did some light tidying....

The last posts have been unusually dark for which I apologize for. I know I’m allowed to have my dark days and lows, but hopefully the upbeat posts will cumulatively outnumber the gloomy ones. I’m currently at my Dad’s cabin. It’s located on an island in the middle of Tyrifjorden in Norway, about 40min from Oslo. Him and his father, my grandfather, built it during the 60s. It was no bridge at that time so all the materials were brought by boat, though during winter they could go by a truck over the ice. It’s Norway after all.  As the saying goes with cabins you’re never done renovating, so it continues to this day. By now it is more or less a normal house.  I’ve always liked the location. It’s right by the fjord with a beautiful view. It’s quiet and you don’t really see any neighboring cabins. As I kid I loved it; as a teen I didn’t enjoy it that much as i was more preoccupied trying to be cool and hang with my friends; as a young adult I didn’t really care that mu...

I am safe. I’ll see you tomorrow. ❤️

I’m gonna let my low speak today. It may not be a good idea, but let’s open up and dissect that fucker: One of the most defeating thoughts ruminating my mind is to live my entire life with depression. As of this moment I feel that is highly likely. I think that even with stability my depression will in one way or another constantly be there. And how can I expect anyone to go through a lifetime of added pain like that? I feel as though whenever something truly good happens, it crumbles because of my depression. However, I cannot blame the depression like a separate being, it is ultimately me who will ruin or destroy.  Life has surely been unfair, but it has for most people and they have managed to pull through. Underneath all my ramblings and pseudo intellectual analysis lies just a broken and insecure little boy, who lost his heart a long time ago it seems. I convinced myself that I’m capable of love, understanding and giving, but time after time it’s been proven wrong. I...

Yesterday’s instagram post prompted an overwhelming showcase of empathy. I wrote an open and honest post about how my current state is. What I find peculiar is that when I write I don’t envision an audience. I go into a world of literature and references, combining it with personal thought and lyrical rhythm. It sounds almost poetic which, you will definitely notice from this blog, is not the case. However, I do try to make sense of it. I guess I’m writing to myself, which feels rewarding; thinking out loud but on paper/screen. You could argue that posting on instagram most certainly prompts at least some desire to be heard, and I guess that is true to some extent; I want my voice heard. But what drives me to post is the need to understand and instagram, because I have a small audience, it pushes me to clearly define it. I feel compelled to make it better, but most importantly it forces me to actually do something. To produce.  That’s why I get surprised and overwhelmed when ...

So, despite having a slight meltdown last night, I managed to post three images on instagram today containing a long caption on my current state. It wasn’t elegant. I felt it was honest, but an extremely simplified version of the truth. Not that I’m ‘dumbing down’ the writing, but just trying to be as clear as I can be. Although I don’t really feel like I managed that. No surprise there. I keep promising to come back the next day with more gusto and interesting topics, so hopefully one day I will. But for now I will just make one promise to myself and that is to be back tomorrow. 

I almost missed posting today. Shame on me. I’m battling a massive headache this evening. It’s entirely my own fault for not being able to sleep properly. I’m missing gradually more and more sleep so I need to address this with my doctor next week. Mental note...check. Being responsible, look at me go...! I’ll refrain from whining too much, I can feel that I’m annoying myself at this point. I apologize (to myself?) for rambling about nothing yet again. Hopefully I will have a more interesting topic tomorrow and be a little bit more upbeat. I’m not at my best these days but I just need to soldier through, because the alternative is no alternative. Man this was a useless post!

It’s not a low today so I’m doing my best to just readjust and move forward. I’ve managed to do some tidying and light gardening. I’m not really good at either of those so I consider that a win. I am feeling the melancholy brooding above me so I’m trying to ignore it by giving the three step cooking process, recommended by Heston Blumenthal, for perfect crispy fries. I’m fearing I’ll screw this up, but I got tons of potatoes so bring it on! 

Yesterday I found a note by accident that I’d typed on my cellphone about a month ago. It was the day I came close to ending my life. It wasn’t a note written in desperation, nor was it a final goodbye letter. At the time it felt like I was just trying to gather my thoughts and make sense of it all, what I was thinking and rather go through the text afterwards and decipher it. I never got to that point as my low took hold of me and prompted me to feel utter emptiness.  The feeling of not wanting to live can be difficult to comprehend if you haven’t had these destructive thoughts at all. Many people can feel anxiety and despair, but to feel calm and wanting to die is a complex and eerie state to describe. I can only describe how this is for me. Depression can come in many forms and will affect sufferers differently depending on the causation and physical state (to name a few examples). I am in no way qualified to make accurate statements regarding the medical aspect, nor ...