Nr. 55

For as long as I can remember I’ve been an introvert. Not to say I was this outcast loner who never had friends or went to parties (not that introverts are all like that but we are often painted as such by society). I was quite outgoing. I had lots of friends and enjoyed hangin out with them. I even played team sports like soccer and basketball. Spurred on by an inflated sense of talent I enjoyed competing. I was able to run fast which landed me centre midfield position on our soccer team. I started training Taekwondo at the age of 12 alongside soccer practice, but I only advanced to a blue belt before deciding to quit both sports. 

But during evenings and nights I preferred being at home in my room. Even after hanging out late with friends I wanted to have some downtime by myself. I loved looking out my tiny window from my room upstairs. Every time a lit window would turned dark I felt a calm rush over me; they are going to sleep soon and there will be peace. Knowing that everyone else were sleeping lifted the imagined weight off my shoulders. I could take a deep breath and exhale a tranquil sigh. I was finally alone to my thoughts. 

During the night my creativity would flow easier. I stayed up drawing or writing poems. Cliché as that may be, I did find it rewarding. I had a talent for drawing when I was young, but never really excelled in it beyond my teens as no one really guided me. I was told I had talent but there was no mentor or tutor I could learn from, and I wasn’t really equipped to take it on myself. (But I never blamed anyone for this, of course) 

Another huge influence in my life was films and television shows. I would watch anything, old or new, action or indie, didn’t matter. I was fascinated by storytelling and the near magical ability it had to transport my mind to another world. Another time and place. For two hours, give or take, I was in that movie. I would pick out favorite scenes and even if the movie wasn’t that good I would treasure it for that memorable scene or dialogue. I could memorize exactly how they spoke that specific word or phrase. The tone they had and their expressions. Down to the very framing and lighting I would make a mental note. Certain films I would be able to replicate in its entirety by memory. 

One scene in particular gave me such joy that I actually bought it on iTunes recently just to watch that single scene which impacted my inner introvert. The film in itself is perhaps not that fantastic (although for its time it did raise issues we deal with today). The film is directed and produced by Irwin Winkler (famous for producing the Rocky series, Goodfellas, Raging Bull, The Wolf of Wall Street to name a few). It’s called “The Net” starring Sandra Bullock. Now before you judge (!) I’m not saying it’s the greatest movie, by far, but there is a scene I fell in love with and it’s the introduction of her character. It starts off by using a camera crane and we go from a city view and crane down to her skylight where we see her in her home surrounded by computers. This is the 90s so boxy laptops, large bulky CRT monitors and even bulkier keyboards (I still love the sound they make...). Angela (Sandra’s character) fixes computer software bugs and viruses for a living. She’s on the phone with a guy who it appears has come down with a virus in the game Wolfenstein. She fixes it and saves the virus for her friend, Dale, who collects them. The guy on the phone asks her out for dinner which she gently turns down saying she has already made dinner plans. After some pleading the guy yields and let’s her hang up. A version of “Whiter shade of pale” comes on as a soundtrack in the background. She goes to another monitor which shows a website for online pizza ordering. She chooses a large pizza with regular crust. For toppings she picks anchovies, extra cheese and almost grudgingly picks garlic, giving us a stereotypic sign she isn’t gonna meet anyone. It will be delivered in 45min it says. She makes herself a Gibson cocktail and with a remote control switches one of her monitors to show a digital fireplace. And that’s it..just that tiny scene just embodied what I longed for. It was supposed to seem sad, but for me it actually made perfect blissful sense. At that time I was probably 13 or 14 and had just discovered computers myself. I also longed for having my own place where I could hide from the world. The crane shot going from city view to this tiny window in her ceiling, showing us a nest-like human sanctuary, was near symbolic for how it sometimes can feel to be a tiny anonymous being in a big loud world. And that’s ok. No one knew about what Angela was doing that evening, even if they lived next door. I loved that privacy and seclusion. 

It’s not that I don’t like being with people. I like walking around and observe everyone. I imagine their stories and think about the intricacies and complexities within each life surrounding me as I walk down huddled streets. I also find great wealth in listening to my loved ones and their lives. Not because I feel I’m doing a good deed by listening but by trying to understand their ups and downs, their desires and frustrations. We are all flawed and beautiful. I like understanding and I love learning. I’m an observer. I don’t particularly like to intervene unless it’s a dire case where morality and injustice is at stake. 

It’s ok to be an introvert. It doesn’t mean you don’t love people or social settings. You just need space for your mind to flow.