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Showing posts from August, 2018

Nr. 62

I don’t think I’ll be able to keep going each day with this blog. Which is actually very sad. When I started I felt so positive about it, but now I feel it has been consumed by negativity and depression. I don’t feel any better. I wanted this blog to be a safe haven for me, but I feel all I touch turn to ash. Depression is truly poisonous and it has altered my mind. I can’t think straight or find positivity. I’m truly struggling each day just to get out of bed. Some days I’ve not moved at all.  But on I go. The need to not hurt others is strong within me, as it is with most people suffering from depression; we know the pain a suicide will inflict. I definitely know all about it. Maybe in a morbidly poetic way my experience with death in my family is what might save me from committing suicide.  This might be the last entry for a while. I’ll return though. Hopefully more cheerful and with a deeper focus on philosophy and ideas, not just my depression. 

Nr. 61

During yesterday’s afternoon I had to lie down to rest. I had only gotten 2 hours of sleep the night before so it was definitely needed. I woke up abruptly well into the evening from a nightmare. Or it wasn’t so much of a nightmare as much as a psychological warp that changed how I view myself. I’m still trying to come to terms with it.  The dream had its normal amount of absurdities; I was part of a group hiding from a murderer who was hunting us. The team consisted of me, some friends of mine, Casey Neistat, Mila Kunis, and a robotic version of Hachiko. We were all hiding in this large locked down house. The murderer was in here with us. I had a gun which fired small amounts of glue, but if I did hit someone the glue would explode.  I was eventually spotted by the murderer and I fired off a serious of point blank shots to his face and neck. They exploded one by one. Nothing happened to him. We then warped into an abstract world where we would fight strategically using ...

Nr. 60

Next month I’m attending a wedding. I’ve been so busy thinking about practical things (like finding a suit to wear and what to bring as it is for a weekend getaway) that I didn’t realize until now that I actually need to socialize. Meaning talk about my current situation. I’m officially on sick leave due to depression which isn’t really the most festive conversation starter at a wedding (or any event really). As much as I really want to celebrate my friends getting married, I simultaneously feel stressed as to have I’m gonna phrase this. I know there are people out there with far greater difficulties than me, even within my friend circle probably, which makes me even more frustrated about my worry. I’m positive I will get through it of course. I even know despite my definite self torment of reviewing my ‘performance’ I will get by.  But I still feel slightly anxious about it. I used to be ok attending events with strangers when I could smalltalk about my work and then swiftly...

Nr. 59

I’ve been sitting here for 43 minutes trying to start today’s post. Every first sentence sounded awkward and defeated to me. Not worth uttering. I’ve been wondering my whole life if creativity was the right path for me. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe I’ve intellectually romanticized the idea rather than gone at it from a natural fluidity. Maybe my refusal to give up is rooted in pride rather than sensibility. Realizing I’m not cut out for something is hard to admit when that something has helped define who I am today. It’s basically about losing my whole identity. My only alternative is to fall in line; I conform; I live.  Maybe today is weighing extra heavy and tomorrow I’ll see it differently again, but the repetitive pattern of self doubt has grown stronger the last 5 years or so. That’s irrefutably damaging and holds an iron grip on my optimistic side.  I’ve been told I’m creative ever since I was a small child. I was told I’m intelligent, kind, athletically apt and pret...

Nr. 58

Until recently I have, to the best of my abilities, gone by the creed ‘giving my all for the benefit of others”. I haven’t been entirely successful, but I hope that by pushing this agenda I have been able to give more than I otherwise would if not for this awareness. Despite my effort I can sometimes fall into the unfortunate pit of feeling unappreciated. I convince myself that these are feelings I should easily overcome. But I realize by having these feelings I actually do, even if it’s a small part, hope for acknowledgment. Which renders my gestures quite the opposite of altruistic. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and if my empathy has been misguided, the question I need to ask myself is whether or not I need to reconsider my moral philosophy. I can continue going on like I have but if I look back I can’t really say it has benefited my own life other than the knowledge of having done good to people. Which is and should be enough according to my intellectual beliefs. Bu...

Nr. 57

I read a quote today when I scrolled through my instagram feed. It was from A.A. Milne: “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”. It’s quite a famous and well known quote from ‘Winnie the Pooh’ but today it stuck with me.  I am lucky to have experienced both pain and bliss. To have had my heart broken as well as filled with love. I’m incalculably lucky to have survived 37 years on this planet whereas my ancestors would perhaps only be so fortunate to see 25. I’m careful to use the word ‘lucky’ when it comes to losing loved ones, but I am lucky to have known them, to have experienced their love and wisdom. I’m lucky to have gained experience, even if that had its price.  Changing perspective in our lives can sometimes be difficult. It’s sometimes not even possible due to circumstances. However, a time will come where the cogs in our most beautiful huddle of neurons turns in our favor, and we see that epiphany that can change our lives for the b...

Nr. 56

Its an analog day. I’ve been rummaging around my old negatives. Most of my newer ones are still in Austria and won’t be in my possession in any near future I suspect. But that doesn’t mean I cannot enjoy the rediscovery of some old portraits I did with the large format camera. Unfortunately I don’t have access to a proper professional scanner these days so a normal flatbed will have to do the trick.  I’ve also fished out several bags of Dias. The only projector I have for Dias here at home is an old Minolta with a manual cartridge which only takes two slides at a time. Tedious but somewhat nostalgic too. 

Nr. 55

For as long as I can remember I’ve been an introvert. Not to say I was this outcast loner who never had friends or went to parties (not that introverts are all like that but we are often painted as such by society). I was quite outgoing. I had lots of friends and enjoyed hangin out with them. I even played team sports like soccer and basketball. Spurred on by an inflated sense of talent I enjoyed competing. I was able to run fast which landed me centre midfield position on our soccer team. I started training Taekwondo at the age of 12 alongside soccer practice, but I only advanced to a blue belt before deciding to quit both sports.  But during evenings and nights I preferred being at home in my room. Even after hanging out late with friends I wanted to have some downtime by myself. I loved looking out my tiny window from my room upstairs. Every time a lit window would turned dark I felt a calm rush over me; they are going to sleep soon and there will be peace. Knowing that ev...

Nr. 54

Right now it’s half an hour until my psychiatry appointment. I’m on the bus. The radio is humming Scorpions with ‘Wind of Change’. How serendipitous or ironic. I also forgot my coke bottle at home. Great.   Going from the two hour conversation with my Dad about renovation and other practical things to explaining deep emotional and psychological turmoil will be interesting. Oddly enough I see that as a challenge which bodes well. I’m slightly more optimistic about this session than my first. But I’m still not yet settled. It feels frightening. Not to talk about things, but to fail.  Well, at least I’m here now. Lets do this then.  Edit: a stranger smiled at me today. It’s interesting how incredibly powerful such a small thing can be. Thank you. ❤️

Nr. 53

I promised not to write about depression. I might break that promise for a short, and I’m sure regrettable, segment.  6 hours of low...perhaps the longest I’ve ever had to fight it off so far.  I’m tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of supposedly being strong. All I wanted after this was to rest but now plans have changed and there will be no opportunity to sleep.  It’s all complaining and fucking whining. This might be the first post I’ll delete or edit. 

Nr. 52

I have currently 23 portions of bolognese in my freezer. 17 normal ones and 6 experimental. I’m currently trying to control my food a bit and it seems to be working. I know exactly what I eat as I make it myself, and I actually enjoy measuring up and organizing it. How very un-INTP-ish of me! I do like structure and order. If you saw my messy home you wouldn’t believe me, but even in what appears to be chaos I have control. I know where everything is even if it looks maddening.  It’ll be a short post today. But that’s ok.

Nr. 51

n recent times I’ve adjusted my view on kindness to the concept of ‘Goldilocks Empathy’. It’s a silly self developed quasi-philosophical term I just made up so no bother googling it. Or maybe it already is one? Damn, now I have to google.  Ok I found one cynical article linking them, but it’s not exactly what mean by it.  As a theorist I cannot fully embrace altruism as there are too many subjective reasonings arguing against the full capacity that entails. However, the idealistic aspect of altruism is worthy of trying to achieve.  I recently read several articles about how empathy can be damaging to your health and lead to depression. My own depression doesn’t stem from this, but I guess trying my hardest to self improve and be kind has definitely made me more distant from people I care about. And the reason for that is empathy, strangely enough. You get this irrational and faulty idea that the ultimate kindness would be to step aside and let them be undist...

Nr. 50

Fifty days into blogging every day! To be honest I never expected this to last beyond the first week. What’s even more amazing is that a few people are still reading my posts! The last month I’ve had readers from Germany, Portugal, Japan, The U.K., United States, Norway, Australia, Croatia, Ireland and Austria! Although bear in mind that I don’t have lots of views so even if the reader base is spread out it’s very few actual readers. But! I’m still really proud that I managed to come to 50 days. (Let’s not speak about the quality of those posts though...) Thank you if you are reading this. Even if only one person read this besides me I would be humbled. It was never a goal for me to gain an audience. I never really promoted my blog in a big way as I saw it purely for my own need to put words to my thoughts, and also to get into the habit of writing every day. However, making the blog public meant I also got an invisible pressure to produce content. It’s a small healthy pressure t...

Nr. 49

It’s been ‘research day’ today. To be honest the day started extremely late as I didn’t really fall asleep until maybe 11am and woke up at 4pm (I know!).  However, luckily, I usually need only a few seconds to really wake up so I was able to do some serious research on writing and self publishing. I read so many great articles and blog posts about it which had tons of useful tips and tricks I didn’t know about. So I’m feeling quite giddy today thinking of a potential future in writing. It’s still such a far away dream and may perhaps never surmount to anything substantial, but I think I owe it to myself to explore any side that has sparked a tiny bit of passion. I haven’t felt that for years, so to finally discover that I actually like something is quite precious these days.  I’m still struggling with extremely low confidence in my writing capabilities. These blog posts aren’t edited and I write them in one go. I never look back nor do I read them. It’s the only way...

Nr. 48

Last night I found an old video on my phone that someone had sent me on the day before Christmas. It was a short clip of The Snowman, probably my favorite Christmas cartoon of all time (I also have a soft spot for Donald’s Snow Fight!). They had filmed the TV directly and it was from the moment they fly and the song ‘Walking in the Air” begins.  The reason this is my favorite is that I always used to watch it with my mother and sister during Christmas. My sister often cried as the story is quite sad. We all loved the song. When I was older (at the ripe age of 24 I think) I made my mom a framed cross stitching embroidery of the boy and the snowman. It wasn’t the best gift, but it made her happy. A little over a year later her cancer got worse and we were told she only had a matter of weeks left. I visited her at the hospital a few times and we talked about everything including The Snowman. I wish I had the courage to visit every day, but it was hard for me to see her, which re...

Nr. 47

I think any day that almost make me forget to post should be considered a good day. It means my mind is busy doing other stuff. Whether I’m being productive or not is entirely different matter.  But I feel today has been good in general. And I don’t often say that. There have been moments today where I felt deep urge and empathy to care for a dear friend of mine, and even if I couldn’t help that much it felt good to be there for any type of support.  Personally I feel my lows are at an arms distance and I’m using this time in the best way I can to boost my happiness. I watch funny and cute things on YouTube and search for old vintage weird games I used to play when I was a boy. Completely nostalgic Thursday really. And it is exactly what I need.  Productive? Perhaps not, but I am investing in myself. Every empath should do that from time to time. ❤️

Nr. 46

It’s 6pm and I’m in bed. Either extremely late or ridiculously early. I’ve slept for about three hours. I didn’t get any sleep last night as I worried about today’s appointment. When I got home I actually fell asleep whilst standing up so these three hours were most welcome.  I feel ok, but a bit drained. I promised to text my friends about how it went today, but I honestly don’t know what to write. I think it went ok though. Out of respect for the psychiatrist I won’t write about my session publicly. Nor would it really be that interesting to read.  What I really want is to be able to help people again (if I ever did?). That’s my aim: to be a positive influence.  I apologize to the 3-4 readers for what has been a stream of uninteresting posts. But then again, I did put up warnings about that both in the blog description and my profile bio 😅👍🏻  

Nr. 45

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow. I wrote about this some time ago and said I was gonna deal with this the day before. Well, that day is here and to be honest I’m a bit worried. I knew this would happen, hence putting off dealing with it until the last day. Because although I feel confident in my own understanding of the condition and my ability to talk honestly about it, there’s also a part of me (probably my depression) that says this will be another failure because of either my idiotic ego and/or constantly reviewing myself.  My biggest fear is that it won’t help me, but I’ll keep going anyway because I know it’ll make everyone around me feel safer and better. And I want that of course. I live for seeing other people contented.  It’s not all gloom and doom. I’ve said it so many times ‘I don’t like to hear myself whine’ but I keep doing it, so that must mean I’m saying it to defend myself rather than for the benefit of others. Because I know latel...

Nr. 43

I don’t really have that much to say today. Not that I’m sad or anything like that, but I had a very long night yesterday. All very lovely and nice. Time flew by today and I almost forgot to write. Which is both wonderful and terrible at the same time! Maybe tomorrow my brain will be able to string coherent sentences together. Today I’m just gonna bask in the moment and enjoy my Sunday, no thinking, just feeling.

Nr. 42

Although the media is dominated by politics these days every so often I do read about either shootings, terror attacks in the Middle East or Asia, and natural disasters causing mass deaths. When these things happen in the western world social media is flooded with thoughts and prayers, profile photos with a flagged face and so forth. I don’t really mind that, and I could write another post about why we do this and why those reasons are benign even if riddled with ulterior motives. What I want to address though is the people who are upset as to why we are not showing the same outrage and empathy when it happens in third world countries. And there is a point to that, however, it doesn’t mean everyone doesn’t care whether people die or not. It’s natural that the impact of people closer to you have significantly stronger emotional pull than those further away. You might say it’s different if it’s family or friends but fellow citizens are still strangers equally to those farther away. And...

Nr. 41

It’s windy and raining today. Quite the contrast from the heatwave this summer and almost poetically synchronized with the change that’s happening within me. I’m still in bed. I haven’t managed to get up today which is shameful, but I just couldn’t no matter how much I tried. That’s not true...I probably could if I had to.  It’s been such a strange day in regards to my past which I would love to write about, but seeing as this is open for anyone to read I can’t really say that much about it. Not that I think the people involved even knows about this blog, but it would be inconsiderate of me. I still care very much for everyone involved.  That was really unnecessary to say, but it’s my blog, written for me, so it’s ok.  I’m still losing weight which I think is both good and dangerous. Good because I feel lighter and fit into old clothes again, but dangerous because of the fast rate I’m losing pounds. I have a goal in mind, and I can be quite tenacious in reac...

Nr. 40

I was first made aware of Myers-Briggs by a guy I met at a social gathering back in 2009 I think. Something like that. But I didn’t take the test until 3 years ago. I did the proper one and paid real money for it too. I ended up as an INTP. I have done several online tests after that to confirm and have consistently ended up as an INTP (except that one befuddled and drunken INTJ incident...). Now, the test in itself is in no matter perfect, and like most psychological tests they aren’t scientifically waterproof. However it can be a powerful tool in self examination if used “correctly”.  As an INTP I’m stereotyped as being lazy, socially awkward, arrogant, intelligent, highly logical in an almost robotic fashion, creative, intuitive and brutally honest. I think those are quite extreme and there are differences between a mature INTP and an undeveloped one. Basically on how aware you are of your impact and surroundings. It also depends on what an INTP sees as interesting. I for ...

Nr. 39

I had a ‘low’ last night. I won’t go deep into as I’ve promised not to talk or write about my depression again, but it was a defeating feeling. I feel I’ve done well lately and managed to keep it at bay so it wasn’t exactly a fun night to discover all this effort was for nothing. I felt like I was just punched right back to the start. The only comfort I cling onto is that I got through it...but I always have so it feels less victorious each time. I know it isn’t, but it feels like failure.  I’m completely exhausted today and disappointed but I’m sure tomorrow will be better again, and hopefully I’ll keep my promise and write about themes that help me see things more positive. 

Nr. 38

My first vacation (that I can remember) was to Cyprus. I celebrated my 5th birthday there. I remember so much from this trip as the impressions it made were quite mesmerizing. (I also got semi-kidnapped there, but I can write about that in another post) I’ve spoken about this before but I feel I want to revisit this as a good friend of mine yesterday mentioned traveling and we ended up texting for quite a long time. We both agree that traveling can indeed help personal growth, and give both enriching mental stimulation as well as a better understanding of cultures. However, that all depends on why you’re traveling in the first place and how susceptible you are to harnesses information in a humble and beneficial way. I’ve met a lot of people who have traveled all over the world and yet remain narrow minded and aloof. The more stamps in your passport doesn’t make you better than those who have never traveled. I would listen to a person who’s been sitting at home for her or his enti...

Nr. 37

I had a small epiphany tonight. I was questioning what kind of person I am and I didn’t really have an answer. When I was young I was full of ambition and optimism, bordering on privileged arrogance in hindsight really. As I grew older my aspirations of advancing in any of my selected fields of creative communication was failing (at least in my opinion), I started a tenacious self examination. I discovered empathy based on logic and altruistic intent. This was a driving force for years up until recently. I started questioning if I had egotistical ulterior motifs and if I really was a good person. Quite frankly I don’t really know if I am. The insecurity that has been rooted deep within me for so long has had a far greater longevity than I could ever imagine or foresee. I’ve wobbled between self hatred and inflated self worth. I was convinced I could intellectually overcome any shortcomings I had and use my insight to help people, but in reality I think I just wanted to help myself. I...

Nr. 36

I’m completely immersed in ‘A History of Western Philosophy’, which conjured both negative and positive feelings. I quickly realized (for the millionth time) how scarce my pool of knowledge is, yet I do manage to bask in the euphoria of learning. However, If any of this will stick to my mediocre brain is still up for debate though.  Parallel to my quest for insight lies another uncharacteristic activity which is taking care of my adopted 5 plants. Three orchids and two peace lilies. They were in pretty rough shape when I started tending to them and considering I have never had green thumbs I felt this was a dead end for these poor plants. But I did some light research and soon enough they started to get stronger. Now I must point out to those who are unfamiliar with both peace lilies and phalaenopsis (orchids) that these are in no way difficult to care for...they are some of the strongest and easiest to maintain. So I’m not an expert by far. But what it did give me was a newf...

Nr. 35

Today’s post could’ve been so negative, I feel I had all the elements and rights to whine and complain, but utilizing my somewhat blunt reality check I managed to figuratively slap my self in the face (with a fish?). It might not seem like it judging from my previous self loathing posts, but I actually don’t like to listen to myself complain and being negative. It doesn’t really help me in any way and it is certainly not interesting for you who are reading this (thank you 2 people 😅❤️ ) So instead I will focus on what has been positive. I managed to go grocery shopping and...I can’t believe I bought a selfie stick!  When I was at the cabin a couple of weeks ago by myself I found my Dad’s selfie stick (yup, he has one). I tried it and it actually gave much better results. I use ‘better’ kinda loose as no selfie stick will turn me handsome, but at least I don’t have to lens correct the damn wide angle which makes my face even more ridiculous than it already is. On a mo...

Nr. 34

Yesterday at 9:30pm I spontaneously decided to go for a bike ride. I haven’t done that in a while so it felt refreshing to just be able to trod along wherever my impulse would bring me.  It brought me to the grave of my sister and mother. Now, before you think ‘oh no, another post about this!’ I must assure you that it all went ok. I parked my bike outside the cemetery and walked over to where the water buckets are placed. I never really do that. I actually rarely go to their grave. But I just felt this was an appropriate thing to do that night. I filled the bucket up to the brim and poured some on to the neighboring graves as well. It was a new one further down the hill and I walked over to see it belonged to a fairly young man around my age. It instantly made me realize how fortunate I was to still be alive. Not thinking ‘that could’ve been me’ but rather the pain this person’s loved ones must feel right now. I have been one of those and in a way I still am, even for this s...

Nr. 33

Still going through ‘A History of Western Philosophy’. With 800 pages and a rampant 2x speed on Scribd I feel my mind is about to explode. It’s like injecting 200 different ideas with contradictions and oppositions all at once. I might have been a bit too ambitious in trying to swallow this mammoth in just 4 days. I might need to double that just in order to comprehend what Bertrand Russell is arguing.  So far it is (despite my introductory whining) actually a good “easy” read. It does portray a certain bias and selective content, however I do feel that’s his prerogative as the author and an esteemed philosopher.  ——————— I didn’t sleep until 9am this morning and I haven’t yet eaten today. I don’t feel particularly hungry either, but my stomach seems to disagree with me.  I am still dealing with my depression, but I have decided to tone down talking about it both publicly and privately. I think I should deal with this in silence and with my psychiatrist. I t...